What triggered it? My husband. He is about to begin his busy season, and I can see the pressure in his face. He becomes preoccupied. He carries stress. He looks low and tired.
I want to be able to handle this again this year. I want to be able to be supportive. I don’t want to resort to separating myself from him in order to not feel “left.” But, that feeling hovers over me. I am more aware of it now–having gone through all of my birthfamily search, coming close to them, and then having no allowed contact with my immediate birthfamily . . . . I am more aware of it now–having lived for thirty-seven plus years without facing that before I had been chosen, I had been given up/placed/left. I am more aware of it now–having been married for eighteen years and recognizing damage we have both done to our relationship by separating both emotionally and physically.
I want to be able to be the wife I have always been–the one who can hold things together. Actually, I still seem to be able to hold most things together–except myself. The pain I feel over being rejected, on some days, is more than I can hold.
Today, I am breakable and vulnerable. It snuck up on me.