Today . . . Hovering around being left . . .

 I’m having one of those days where I just can’t seem to put my feet down anywhere.  And, I need to.  I have plenty to do–plenty of work to do, plenty of people to work with . . . .  I just need to get some thoughts out of my head.  I already did my running for the day, so I’m thinking it’s not a physical need.  It must be an emotional/intellectual need.

What triggered it?  My husband.  He is about to begin his busy season, and I can see the pressure in his face.  He becomes preoccupied.  He carries stress.  He looks low and tired.

I want to be able to handle this again this year.  I want to be able to be supportive.  I don’t want to resort to separating myself from him in order to not feel “left.”  But, that feeling hovers over me.  I am more aware of it now–having gone through all of my birthfamily search, coming close to them, and then having no allowed contact with my immediate birthfamily . . . .  I am more aware of it now–having lived for thirty-seven plus years without facing that before I had been chosen, I had been given up/placed/left.  I am more aware of it now–having been married for eighteen years and recognizing damage we have both done to our relationship by separating both emotionally and physically.

I want to be able to be the wife I have always been–the one who can hold things together.  Actually, I still seem to be able to hold most things together–except myself.  The pain I feel over being rejected, on some days, is more than I can hold.

Today, I am breakable and vulnerable.  It snuck up on me.