I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

Attempt to Heal

 So, I’m reading this book Questions Adoptees Are Asking by Sherrie Eldridge.  I have had her other book–20 Things Adopted Kids Want Their Parents to Know, and I have never been able to get through it; it’s Biblical, and it’s very difficult emotionally to process.  So, I just quit trying, and I’ve picked up this one by the same author. To this point, I’m really benefiting from the reading, but there are many questions/exercises which I have skipped over so far.  I am going to “do” the exercises here for starters.

Where am I supposed to seek safety when I feel anxious about being separated from my first family? . . .
Psalm 91:4  “He will cover you with His feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

Who created me?
Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

Was I ever alone?  (even though I felt alone and still do . . . )

Psalm 139:15 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,  . . . ”

Psalm 139:16a says “your eyes saw my unformed body.”

All of this is comforting, until this part:

Who planned every day of our lives before we were born?
Pslam 139:16b says “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
I don’t understand this at a gut level.  While I would not NOT want to be my parents’ daughter, my husband’s wife, my kids’ mom, I have a hard time understanding that He planned for me to be separated from my birthmom and birthdad . . . .??  Same with Naika  . . . that he planned that pain for her–to be separated by her bio mom/raised in a white family in South Dakota, and to most likely never know her bio dad?  I don’t understand . . . knowing that all these things would cause such pain, did He “plan” all of this?  Or perhaps He only planned the good stuff.  But the good stuff to me is somewhat undefineable . . . is it just “good” that Naika isn’t in Haiti anymore like so many people say?  Is it “good” that I wasn’t raised by my bio parents because my parents have done such a great job . . . The initial separation hurt.  Did He plan that before the beginning of the earth . . . that I would be the one (a “one”) who would not be raised by her biological parents????

Answer please.

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