What “no contact” feels like . . .

Could you please understand this?

Wait. (and please read to the end . . . otherwise you might be helplessly left depressed.    Plus the song is linked at the bottom.)
Let me say what I think I understand.
*I understand that I pursued connection with my biological parents and siblings, etc. with a passion.
*I understand that I angered them, scared them, made them feel threatened.
*I understand that I have done nothing perfectly nor ever will.
*I understand that my conception was unplanned by my birth parents and perhaps devastating to their lives at the time–maybe even still today.
*I understand that I do NOT understand them or my biological siblings, for I have never walked in their shoes.

And why do I write with some anguish today . . . because somethings in my day-to-day life happened (insignificant really) which made me feel unworthy again.  I was pushed back, blocked, scammed, condescended upon . . . again all really pretty insignificant happenings that occur in our daily lives.  But for me (adoptees in general I dare say), it only takes a few happenings like these, and our rejection wound is scratched.  Really, after a while, it gets embarrassing and exhausting.  I know that I have been “pushed back” to my hurt today.  And, I seem to not be able to get past it until I express it.
So here goes.

Again, could you understand this please?  As you continue to choose to not know me nor my husband nor my kids (four out of five of them are your biological grandchildren) nor my parents, etc., I continue to try to breathe without air.

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake

It’s ’cause you took my breath away–when you said no to me, in all forms–the antiseptic “no,” the nicer “no,” the brutally mean “no” and “never” mixed with threats . . . especially when you said “yes” and then “no”  😥  that took my breath away.  Yes, IT DID.

Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh–see above blue.  😦

I’m here alone, didn’t wanna leave–I was alone as a baby for a few days in a foster home until my parents came to get me, and now I’m alone without you still–the only birthchild of yours–left out here.  I don’t need anything from you.  I just need you to not leave me–not leave me alone.  I am one of yours.  I didn’t ask to leave.  I’m still not asking to leave.  You left me and then asked me to leave.  Both.

My heart won’t move, it’s incomplete–today, yes.  My heart won’t move away from this place of feeling incomplete.  It never did move.  How could it?  My heart was formed in your belly and from your DNA and your genes.  How do you think my heart would move away from that?  And, how do you think it would ever be complete without knowing it’s origin.

If there was a way that I could make you understand–I wonder if you feel this way.  I feel this way–wishing there was a way for us to understand each other.

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me?–This is what you have asked me to do–to live as an O and a B (birthmom and birthdad’s names) ALONE.  I am an O, and a B, and Stirrett, and a Nagy, just as my daughter is a Nagy and a Norelus–both.  Her birthmom’s picture is on our fridge because we acknowledge that she has more than one set of parents.

‘Cause my world revolves around you it’s so hard for me to breathe–my world/our family’s world did revolve around finding you.  Not anymore.  You have shut us out.  And once again, I am left to revolve and to breathe without you/knowing you in my life.

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?

Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air  

It’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there–just an emptiness–a place of trying to breathe on my own apart from what she knew in utero for nine months–GONE

There’s no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep–This is how I felt when I was searching, finding, wading through all of the effects it was having on my faith, my marriage, my parenting, my relationships, . . . I felt like you got me out here in the water so deep–that I might drown.  I was drowning.

Tell me how you gon’ be without me?–I wonder this.  How are you going to “do” the rest of your life without me–knowing that I’m out here, that my kids know about you and love you from a distance and so do I.  Really?  Is this how you thought it would be?  That you would never be with me again?  I know that’s what they told you at the time–from what I read at least.  I think you had to sign away your rights to me, and that you were told that everything would be sealed and that you should just go on as if nothing ever happened because that is what would be best for me.  Did they think that is what would be best for you?  Has it been best for you?  It hasn’t been the best for many, which is why they do things so differently now.  Answer me.  How are you gonna be without me . . . all the way to our death beds?  Don’t they say that life is too short?

If you ain’t here I just can’t breathe

There’s no air, no air

I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew–You already know this.  I took planes, trains, and automobiles along my journey, and I run too!  I run half-marathons because it was good for me when you were denying my existence to feel my feet hit the pavement–proof that I really do exist!  I worked hard and traveled hard to find you–did crazy stuff, stuff I’ve never done before and stuff that I took a ton of courage. . . see lyrics below!!

Right off the ground to float to you with no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I’m still alive inside  You took my breath but I survived–Finally!!!  I like this part of the song best!  :))  I am still alive inside.  You did take my breath, but I’m still surviving.  My breath, to me, is my connection to who carried me in my tummy, whose DNA I have, my siblings who welcomed me at first and then saddened me with their refusal.  That was my breath.  

I don’t know how but I don’t even care—I sing this the most loudly now.  It’s a miracle really.  And it’s not perfect or finished yet, and I’ll have days that set me back.  But are you kidding?  I am different than I was and I don’t even really know how.  God pulled the splinter out without me asking Him to or watching how.

So the lyrics below are still true.  I still don’t have air, and I am left out in the deep.
But I’m doin’ OK.  That will be my next post because I already feel better.  🙂

So how do you expect me

To live alone with just me?

‘Cause my world revolves around you

It’s so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?

Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air

It’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there

There’s no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you gon’ be without me?

If you ain’t here I just can’t breathe

There’s no air, no air

No Air lyrics  Click below to watch. 

Songwriters: Griggs, E; Fauntleroy J Iii; Mason, H; Thomas, D;