I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

I got an answer (if only a partial answer) this weekend.

I watched part of the movie Then She Found Me. In the movie, the protagonist, Helen Hunt, stands on the threshold of planting a fertilized egg inside her uterus in hopes of carrying a full-term pregnancy. She stands in the procedure room with her birthmom (Helen Hunt’s parents have both passed away). She is thirty-nine years old, she has never had children, and she has only recently found her birthmom. In the little time that they have known each other, her birthmom (Bette Midler) observes that her birthdaughter’s faith is an integral part of her life.

Bette Midler asks Helen Hunt, “Well, aren’t you going to pray?” shortly before the process of implanting the egg begins. Helen Hunt responds that “no”–she doesn’t want to pray. The two women argue over this and even fight a little–pushing/shoving/restraining each others’ hands. Bette Midler (birthmom) finally says to Helen, “Well, maybe you don’t want it badly enough.”

Helen Hunt responds in tears: “You have no idea . . . how badly I want this. . . . I’m not going to hand this wish over to some–whatever It is, whoever It is–Who’s supposed to be loving, Who I had faith in . . . I thought God was good.”

Ah ha. I have been talking to God since I was a child, and studying His word since I was nineteen. I have gone to Him in prayer–giving Him thanks, asking for His wisdom, His will. But, . . . you have no idea. When the time came that I had found my birthparents/birthsiblings, and one by one they came into my life and then exited–refusing to acknowledge me as a biological relative/someone worth knowing, my pain overwhelmed my faith.

Helen Hunt (in the movie) has been through the loss of her parents, a divorce, a miscarriage, a failed relationship, and a reunion with her birthmom which includes lies and rocky encounters. Helen’s pain overwhelmed her faith . . . and now, when she really really wants something–more than any of the other things which she had trusted Him for–she is afraid to pray/talk to Him about it. She doesn’t trust that He will “handle” her most precious wish the way she wants Him too.

I recognize this as being my own experience. I have Godly people around me encouraging me to pray, to go to God with all of this, people who pray for me and for my birthfamily (including my daughter :)). Yet, I still struggle to talk to Him about it–afraid to “hand this wish over to” Him.

I know better. I know that His plan is best, that He has plans of hope and good for me–not plans of harm. I know that His ways are best. I know that He loves me and my family unconditionally.

Helen Hunt does pray before the procedure. I will, again, honor His Sovereignty in this matter, too.

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