Internal Chao, Emptiness, Confusion

 I see it in my daughter. Today, she is bossy, loud, repetitive, teary, happy, abrasive, noisy (as if she wants us to know she is here and she is hurting) and she responds like a cold robot when I have to answer “no” to her regarding simple matters, uses the bathroom (to hide?) more frequently than normal. And, I have only been with her before school and after school–still enough time to sense/know all too well that she’s got somethin’ goin’ on inside.

As an adult adoptee, I have days like this–days which I would describe as emotionally chaotic. Beyond that, I have no words to describe these times. It is an indescribable spot surrounded by: loss, unknowns, lack, confusion, feeling like an outsider, seeing that you are loved by those right there around you and yet wanting love from somewhere else too . . . . When I am in this place, I know I hurt people around me. I cannot find comfort. I want relief.

Perhaps I am too close to this situation to see her clearly. I don’t see the same little girl others see–at school, church, and at friends’ houses. She gets good reports from all such places. What I see is a lost little girl. I see a little girl who rarely has a sense of peace and general well-being. I see a little girl who is lacking connection/grounded-ness. So the opinions of others regarding her are true? . . . or my assessment of her is true? I can’t tell.

As an adult adoptee who has done much reading and counseling on the topic, I recognize the role-play here. People enjoy a happy adoptee, a “good” adoptee. People are most comfortable when things are going well. I love my family and had a great childhood. I was a high-achieving, goal-oriented type of girl growing up. I performed very well. That is very acceptable! But when I crashed and burned during my search for my birthfamily, I was altered. I lost my ground. I couldn’t grab a hold of my connection . . . . I didn’t think I could grab onto my family’s connection and my other family (my birthfamily) didn’t want me to connect with them. I was lost. So, I’m confused. Was my childhood/upbringing me? Or was I trying to “fit in,” to be accepted, to be loved? I can’t tell. –

She seems empty to me. Functional, but empty.

What repeats through my head now–after my frenzied search for education and “solutions”–is that I can’t heal her–that it’s not my job to heal her even. Perhaps now I am taking this to an extreme? I am not around her much, really. It is awkward for both of us, so I just don’t try much anymore. She doesn’t seem to let me into her real world anyway. 😦

As an adult adoptee–I am not confused about this. This is true. It is no one’s responsibility and not even within anyone’s capability to heal my hurts. It is my own journey, and only God has true healing for me. That much I know. Whew! I’m glad I know something!