I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

 Our little Naika has been in our home (from a Port-au-Prince, Haitian orphanage) for five years.  She show signs of attachment disorder, signs of gaps in her comprehension, signs of a high need for control, and signs of . . . me.

She has a quite different set of circumstances than me, and yet, I am like my coach/husband watching a basketball game:  I know too much.  I can see her insecurities/attempts to fit in/read through her eyes/wishes for the mom she knew in Haiti . . . . I see it.  I see her signs of anger that show up in torn/ripped/destroyed items.  I see her attempts to hide herself/her feelings/her behaviors.  I see her concern that she will mess up/get in trouble, and be  . . . ?  I don’t know.  . . does she fear that we will send her away???

I guess I think that about my parents even at 40.  I don’t fear the they will send me away, but I fear sharing all of who I am and what I do because I fear that I will lose their love.  She perhaps fears losing her ability to survive, while I fear a loss of love.  And, because she fears losing her ability to survive, she is vigilant in day to day survival tactics and skills.  She is very capable of getting what she needs–one way or another–usually on her own and sometimes behind an adult’s back.  And, because I fear losing love, I am vigilant in day to day tactics and skills to receive acceptance/feel loved.

Crap.  We are essentially at the same place, but she is 7 and I am not.  I am just latent in my “facing the facts” steps.  My counselor tells me that if I had processed my loss of my birthfamily/my adoptee feelings a little at a time that I might have continually integrated all of this into my days rather than hit a brick wall.  I hope for that for Naika–that we could help her process some of what she feels/thinks/experiences along the way, so that she does not suffer the concussion of a brick wall.  However, I stink at it right now.  When I see opportunities for “moments” with her, I am repelled mostly.  I hope that changes.

Why am I repelled?  Because she doesn’t trust me/love me, isn’t attached to me.  So, if I move towards her re: her heart/her real thoughts and feelings about her birthmom and being here, I am just not sure who I am talking to.  Someone who wants to be honest and talk/be together–not ever so far, or someone who gives me words she thinks I want her to say and someone who doesn’t trust me with her heart. . . more rejection.  :((

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