Yesterday, my parents said goodbye to our family after being here only 2 1/2 days. They started the drive home this morning. I was a wreck last night–curled up on the floor in tears, and still need a day today to recover. 😦 I am heartsick still. Perhaps it’s just part of my process in accessing how I feel about being placed for adoption, because other times when they have visited and left, I’ve reacted in a proportionately normal way. But this time, I cried like a baby by myself for a while, and then some while my husband listened.
It is a taste of being left/being rejected that I cannot tolerate. And there are so many in my birthfamily for whom I have pined, searched, layed myself out–who have then chosen to keep me out of their lives, that I can’t bear letting go of almost anyone. Here lies my “what is wrong with me” currently status: being shut out leaves me almost physically ill/physically debilitated. Being ignored/”left”/shut out makes me feel ashamed (as if there is really something wrong with me–that there was even when I was born or my birthparents would have kept me). It leaves me feeling out of control and helpless to fix or change anything. It leaves my self-esteem in a pile–that I am not worth the attention.
That one especially–that I am not worthy of attention.
I can tell that my “being left” wound is gaping as I can’t handle goodbyes in a movie today. I can tell that my “self-esteem” wound is gaping as I am not even self-assured enough to be around my children. I can tell that my “there is something wrong with me” wound is gaping as I see myself as not capable of producing something good right now.
I need a day to feel. I will return to doing. But right now, I need a day to feel the loss: the loss that my parents went home which pricks open the reminders of the loss of my birthfamily.
Here is all of this that I throw-up/out, and I think of my daughter Naika and see that we are both coping in our own ways.