I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

 I am ANGRY at pretty much everything around me these past few days.

*I spent twenty-two years in one state.  Once I got married, I was “removed” far from that state.  And now, in order to touch “home base,” I drive at least nine hours to get to my home state and twelve hours to get home for a holiday.

(This parallels “I spent nine months in one tummy.  Once I was born, I was “removed” far from that tummy.  And now, in order to touch “home base,” I have to fight my way/crawl on my knees/dig/break rules/drive miles and miles/put my heart on the line/and then face rejection after it all.)  See?

*I am told, “Your family is here.  I wish we were enough for you.  I wish you were connected enough to your kids/husband, etc. . . . that you considered us your true/main/real family.  Instead, you keep running away from us.  You have a relationship with God.  We love you.  What else do you need?  Grow up.  Be thankful.  Stay here–we are your answer/your family.”

(This parallels “Here is your family, baby newborn girl.  This family will be your true/main/real family.  What about your biological family?  (a question I couldn’t ask then because I was a newborn) . . . Oh.  We will seal the records/names/documents/what they look like/what was said about you for the nine months before you were born/what happened to you during birth/where you were the first seven days of your life before you came to your family.  You have enough now.  Just go on, little girl.  You’ll be fine.  Connect!  Connect!  You’ll be blessed.  Be thankful!”–said lovingly with a smile.)

*I tell you now:  I always want to go home.  Home to me is where I was born and raised–where there are people who knew me “when.”  People there knew me from seven days on, knew me in preschool–knew me.  I am like them and they are like me.  We have shared experiences that shaped us into people with similar backgrounds.  Familiarity is important to me.  Do not misinterpret my longing for home/familiarity as a refusal to shape my life around my husband and children.  I have been doing that since we were married and we moved away–for almost nineteen years.  I have memorialized our lives together in photo albums, memories, choices to go where you go.  I have shaped my life around my family here.  A desire and love for BOTH exist inside of me–my familiar home that is uniquely mine and my family and friends who surround me now.

(This parallels ” I lost my first family.  They knew me in the womb.  I am like them and they are like me.  We shared nine months together.  I shaped them and they shaped me.  Finding them and going back to see them is important to me.  Do not misinterpret my longing for my birthfamily as a refusal of my parents/beloved extended family (who live far away, mind you).  I am my parents’ child, my aunts’ niece, my cousins’ cousin, etc.  I am Crazy about the family I have had since I was seven days old.  Are you kidding me?  A desire and love for BOTH my birthfamily and my family exist inside of me.  Fact.)

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