I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

Dreams

I have had vivid dreams recently of spending time with my birth aunt and one of my birth brothers, specifically.  I am talking VIVID.  I woke up with a sense of relief–that they actually had let me spend time with them, and that they finally knew me and trusted me.  I felt like I had sat in an E-Z chair . . . peace at last, no longer an outcast, no longer so misunderstood, no longer a freak.

My birth aunt has referred to me as “sinister” and “evil” and attempting to do as much harm as possible.  😦  When I relay that to anyone who knows me and knows my heart, they either laugh, drop their jaw, or are in shock.  And, I’m sure, as she suggests in her letter, that people who know her think that I am the crazy one.

It sucks to be at such odds.  In my dream, my birth aunt and I went over our differences, fairly quickly, and then just enjoyed each others’ company.  We were family.

And my time (in my dream) with my brother is sooo what I dream about having happen one day!  We were hanging out in his room 🙂 like teenagers really, looking through pictures and interests together.  While I realize that is not time that can be recreated, just knowing that I have siblings who come from my biological mother and father makes me want to know them/share time with them/redeem some time with them that was missed.  His brother (my brother too) came into the room and spent some time with us.  We got to know each other quickly, and we just were hangin’ together.  I woke up wondering  . . . why can’t it be this way?  I can’t think of much that I’d love more–just to be comfortable enough to know them as I do some of my other birthfamily–great aunts, great uncles, cousins . . . who are precious, kind, generous, loving, and welcoming.

Am I having these dreams because God is giving me a picture of what can be someday . . . what He has planned?  Or, am I having these dreams to encourage me to try to reach out to them yet again?  I am pretty gun-shy regarding that.  Or, am I having these dreams because they will not be reality any time soon . . . almost like “only in my dreams?”  I don’t know.  I suppose I’m having these dreams because they represent what is subconsciously on my mind–often.

I do live.  I have five kids and much going on throughout the days.  And yet, I hold a torch for my birthfamily.  I always will.  They have hurt me deeply as apparently my reappearance has caused them much ache; and yet, if they asked for me, I would come running.

It is difficult, even as I write the above–that my reappearance has caused them much ache.  Explain that, please?  Did they think that once they birthed me, that I wouldn’t continue to grow and develop into a person (like them) who makes their own choices–some which seem good for others, some which seem good or necessary for me, . . . . but just my own choices?  Did they think that I would be silent about the fact that I have a whole other family out there who I resemble biologically/genetically who I would welcome/seek out an opportunity to love?  My reappearance has caused them much ache.  Perhaps out of sight, out of mind, out of this world . . . gone, . . . dare I say dead??  Ugh.
What I can tell that is different in me since I began my search a few years ago, is that the peace of God has re-entered my days.  Much more often than before, I am aware that He is sovereign, and that His ways really are best.  I went through (and still do occasionally) such a sad and angry place–full of rejection.  And now, when I am in that dark place–wanting some kind of relief/way to self-medicate, I can hear a still small voice calling me to His word and His truth–and knowing that there are answers and comfort there.

Perhaps I will thank Him for my dreams for now.  🙂

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