I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

What do I want?

 This is a fact:  I have two families.  I belong in two places.  I think if both families (specifically my birthmom and birthdad and their kids) accepted this about me, my heart would settle.  I really do.

I imagine if both of my moms called me occasionally, if my kids could know that they are loved by both sets of my parents (my parents and my birthparents), if my family could feel the extensions that are real to us–both trees with many branches.  My mind is frazzled right now . . . frazzled by secrets, frustration, damage that has been to me and those around me because of this painful denial.

What do I want?  To be recognized as having two family trees, and to be welcomed into both.  (Ironically, my adoptive family just does . . . I am theirs and they are mine.  Even as I write this, you must understand–that for an adoptee, to claim such firm ground is unsettling.  I fear that I could lose this ground/tire them/make them weary of me.)  I understand (I think) that a reunion which includes dialogue/building of relationships with birthfamily members does not flow easily; however, being shut out is the worst possible scenario to me.  Anything would be better than nothing?

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