I am often so moved by church, especially our worship time. Thankfully, He still speaks to me in church–moves me to tears. Today, I just told Him in tears how I hurt–that I have pain. I spent so much of yesterday just thinking about my birthfamily. I think about them daily. I imagine conversations I could have with them. I imagine gifts I could send them. I imagine how they might respond, when would be the best time to send them, how I can send them anonymously. . . .
As we were led in prayer, the person leading prayer time prayed Scripture–reminding me that He has strength, and that He will help me. I am in my own way, though. And, my pain is in my way to allowing Him to help me. I asked Him to remove the barrier.
It seems to be a splinter situation. It hurts to have it in there, but I really don’t want Him to take it out–for fear that that will hurt too. In one part of counseling through my adoptee stuff, someone else mentioned that they are afraid to let go of their anger/sadness/loss/”splinter” because that’s the only connection they have to their birthmom. I am there also–that if I push down (which I apparently can’t) the pain I feel in regards to my birthfamily’s rejection of me, then I truly have nothing left. Letting go of the pain feels like letting go of hope.
I write this and thankfully my mind goes directly to the 5 extended birthfamily members who are in contact with me sweetly and with excitement and joy.
The most real parts of me are so “in the way” for others.