I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

Facing rejection . . .

Through this whole adoption/birth family search things, I have developed a gaping wound, apparently.  I am incredibly sensitive to anything that resembles rejection.  Here’s my list of triggers and they seem to apply only to people who I care about pretty intensely for whatever:
someone who doesn’t seem to be listening while we talk
no response
disagreeing with me
a simple misunderstanding . . . lack of understanding in a conversation
a long lag between communication
my older kids’ tendency to discount me/my thoughts/interests (because I’m their mom)
Naika’s lack of ability to let me be her mom

While singing Naika’s baby song to her before bedtime, she seemed to be distracting herself the whole time by “snapping” her fingers underneath her covers.  We had had a good day, and at the end of it, I was just excruciatingly aware of the lack between us.  So, trigger–rejection.  I’m singing to her . . . offering my pieces to her, and she’s trying to “not have it.”  I don’t think she feels anything for me, and I really don’t feel anything towards her.  I take care of her, yes.  It’s kind of like another friend of mine says about this adoption/family situation . . . an “arranged marriage.”  We are an “arranged family,” and it’s going to take time to feel like family . . . .

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