Through this whole adoption/birth family search things, I have developed a gaping wound, apparently. I am incredibly sensitive to anything that resembles rejection. Here’s my list of triggers and they seem to apply only to people who I care about pretty intensely for whatever:
someone who doesn’t seem to be listening while we talk
disagreeing with me
a simple misunderstanding . . . lack of understanding in a conversation
a long lag between communication
my older kids’ tendency to discount me/my thoughts/interests (because I’m their mom)
Naika’s lack of ability to let me be her mom
While singing Naika’s baby song to her before bedtime, she seemed to be distracting herself the whole time by “snapping” her fingers underneath her covers. We had had a good day, and at the end of it, I was just excruciatingly aware of the lack between us. So, trigger–rejection. I’m singing to her . . . offering my pieces to her, and she’s trying to “not have it.” I don’t think she feels anything for me, and I really don’t feel anything towards her. I take care of her, yes. It’s kind of like another friend of mine says about this adoption/family situation . . . an “arranged marriage.” We are an “arranged family,” and it’s going to take time to feel like family . . . .