I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

Broken Heart

 This is just ridiculous.  I absolutely feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach all day.  There is no explanation for it, no way to really describe it.  Just punched . . . punched down.  If I dig a little, I could cry . . .and nothing has changed re: my birthfamily since yesterday.  It’s just a feeling.  I’d say depression.  I’d say sadness and loss.  It has gotten the best of me today, and I’m not sure why.

I wake up every day thinking about them.  I think about my birthmom, my birthdad, my siblings, my aunts, my cousin, my grandparents . . . all the ones who will not acknowledge me/talk to me.  I think about the ones who have welcomed me–great uncles and great aunts, cousins on both sides–who email me, talk to me on the phone, communicate all kinds of ways.

I am so thankful for them.  I miss them.  I do wish that I lived closer to them.  I would visit them more often.  And I immediately start thinking about how and when I can get that direction again.

I am thankful for the ones who don’t speak to me just because they are who they are–I am related to them.  And they absolutely BREAK MY HEART.  😦

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