I have always loved to dance. As an adult adoptee, a bio mom, and an adoptive mom, I dance between love and loss regularly. I dance with joy over small victories and small signs of acceptance. I dance to escape pain and to avoid obvious rejection from my family(ies). Let me continue to dance with the pain, the understanding, the surrender, His plan, and not faint.

Against All Odds

Phil Collins’s song moved me to tears in junior high school.  I used to lie in my bed and hope for the song to come on–so that I could cry.  Why did I cry?  My first love walked away from me, and I could do nothing.

My first love walked away from  me, and I could do nothing.

This song traveled through time, and many years later it landed on my ipod.  Except now when it comes on, I skip it.  I avoid it.  It speaks to me these days of my birth parents walking away from me.  It’s too painful.

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace?
(no trace–closed records)
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh.
(just a little baby then, now thinking of them every day)
You’re the only one who really knew me at all.
(They saw me come into this world.)

How can you just walk away from me,when all I can do is watch you leave?
(I can’t move or talk. I’m only a baby.)
‘Cause we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears.
(in utero)
You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space.
(I can’t fill it because you won’t let me in.)
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.
(I can’t even see your face because I don’t know who you are. It’s an empty face–so empty that I can’t see what my own face looks like sometimes.)

Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space.
And you coming back to me is against all odds, and that’s what I’ve got to face.

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry.
(Was I crying when you left me?  I’ve cried much since then.)
There’s so much I need to say to you,so many reasons why.
(You really don’t want to talk to me? Why not?)
You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space.
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
(You didn’t leave any pieces of you for me to have.) just the memory of your face.
Now take a look at me now, ’cause there’s just an empty space.
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face.
(They tell me to be patient.)

Take a good look at me now, ’cause I’ll still be standing here.
(I’m standing here . . . all grown up, wanting you to SEE me!)
And you coming back to me is against all odds.
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take.
(I’ve taken the chance so many times. I keep putting myself in positions to have you/others hurt me.  I think I’m getting used to it.)
Take a look at me now.

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